they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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