Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Two words: blizzard sex
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
