Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
