Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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