Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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