I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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