ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
