i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
