This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
