I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
