Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
