spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
