hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
