Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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