I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
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I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
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I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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