I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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