Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Randomize
