Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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