I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
