I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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