That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
