Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
