is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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