Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Text me some of your sweat
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
