I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This house was built for laser tag.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
