Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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