Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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