I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
