I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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