3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
