i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
