so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
