My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
