He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
