his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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