i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
