Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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