he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
