So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Congratulations! We have a period
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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