Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
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Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?