My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.