I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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