woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
