Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
