Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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