On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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