So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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