I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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