i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
