explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's shark week go big or go home
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
