I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
