never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
