Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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