Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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