Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
