i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
