and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
