I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
