I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
