If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
