According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
