$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
