Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
