i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
