he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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