I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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